I'm Not A Girl!
by Rikkamaru
Summary: So...Yeah. I'm being forced to take care of psychopaths because I was stupid enough to sign my life away. Now one thinks I'm a girl and is hitting on me, the other can be a brat, and I think I'm out of Advil. Based off of LolliDictator's manual stories.
1. A Child, a Dog, and a Headache

I don't own Hetalia. Or anything else mentioned in this.

A Child, a Dog, and a Headache

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><p>Yo. My name's Cirrus. I'm seventeen, a junior at a no-name high school, and am supposedly very smart. I have dark blue eyes, and black hair styled like Basil from Katekyou Hitman Reborn! I say supposedly smart, because I was stupid enough to sign my life away to a company that sends me psychopaths right after I have finished calming the last one down. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?<p>

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><p><em><span>"Problem<span>: Instead of opening your box to find a teenage-looking unit, you found a small boy with short black hair and wearing long silk robes. He is rude and snobby and refuses to eat anything other than Chinese cuisine, and he flies into a rage whenever reminded of Mongolia._

_Solution: Oopsie, we've sent you a Chibi!China on accident! If you decide that you would like to exchange him for a normal unit, you can call Customer Services and we'll send you a new one right away."_

- YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual by LolliDictator_.  
><em>

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><p>I could only stare at this man as he finished speaking and asked if I had any questions. "Yeah," I started slowly and looked around so as to not see him staring at me, "so you want me to take care of the less popular versions of certain units to see if they can live with humans?"<p>

At the man's nod, I continued. "And these units are popular among females right?" Again he nodded, and I allowed the confusion I was feeling to be expressed. "Then why ask me? Last I checked, I was a guy."

"You went to the National Youth Leadership Forum for National Security, correct?" I nodded a little hesitantly: while I was there, some people had mistaken me for a girl, and things got a little awkward. "While you were there, a number of teachers and special guests had said that you would be a good choice for government projects, and described you as adaptable and simplistic."

I felt my face get warm at that; I'm rather emotional for a male, and am admittedly feminine compared to other males. Though it does get awkward when people mistake me for a girl during gym and try to drag me into the girl's locker room (no thank you). I nodded to show I was following along.

"Add to this your fondness of cultures and languages, you seemed like the best choice in caring for these units." I let out a sigh and leaned against the green banister in front of me. I was staying at my parent's lake house at the moment, while my dad taught summer school and my mom was in another state for her job.

Summer had just begun, and I had been hoping for a relatively calm break when this man arrived with a box. I sighed in thought. "How will I afford to pay for them?"

"If you agree to this project, you will in a sense be hired into the company and paid for caring for them through company funding."

"How will you know when to send the next unit?"

"We'll install a camera system in all but the bathrooms, and when the unit looks content and appears to be able to handle another unit nearby, we'll send the next one."

I stay quiet for a moment longer before exhaling and smiling at the man. "Sure, I'll do it. What could it hurt?"

The man smiled back and handed me a clipboard. "Sign this and we'll begin the project."

I looked for a second before shrugging and signing my name. I knew the original characters because I watched the show they're in, so I shouldn't be completely helpless.

I handed the clipboard back to him and he looked to verify the name, before smiling and showing me to the box, hired electrician already moving to the house. "Thank you for accepting, and welcome to the project, Cirrus."

Once we approached the box, the man handed me a manual. "This is the manual for the original unit. Not many keep the defective ones, but they are mentioned in the trouble-shooting section. This will be your first one."

I read the name on the manual and felt my lips tilt up. YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual. I quickly opened the book and flipped to the trouble-shooting section. I read the small paragraph and I honestly didn't know what to think. Chibi!China, huh? Sounds bratty, but what child doesn't?

I nodded to the man, and he pried open the box and stepped back. A small child was curled up in the box, and I was given a moment to admire how life-like he appeared (he was even breathing, too) before his eyes opened and the child exploded.

"What is this? Where am I, aru?" I watched with wide eyes as the tiny nation stormed about (he never did leave that giant box, though…) and waved his small fists at the delivery man. The man gave me a pleading look so I quickly picked the mini-nation up and set him on my hip.

I babysat my babysitter kids (oh, the irony) when they were small and helped my parents sheet-rock the ceiling when they felt the need to improve the lake house; holding Chibi!China was just kind of a mixture between the two.

China continued to squall in my arms and, growing a little annoyed, I put my hand on his head and looked him in the eye. "That's enough, Zhongguo." I said. "Stop your childishness and act more respectable."

He stopped screaming and glared at me for a moment before his eyes hooded and he yawned. I moved him a little higher and the tiny nation wrapped his arms around my neck and fell asleep on my shoulder.

I looked at the startled delivery man and offered him a half shrug so as not to jostle the child. "Must've been sleepy."

The man just shook his head and helped move the smaller box with China's stuff into my room. With my parents not here, I'm going to be sleeping in their giant, can't-touch-the-floor-if-you-sit-on-it bed. My room has two small beds on either end of it, a TV without cable (but with a Playstation 2 hooked up to it), and rather erratic designs: a paper Chinese dragon with a missing forelimb was hanging on part of the ceiling, the curtains were black with yellow constellations on them, the room was currently being lit with a very dim push light, and music without the voice singers was playing from a small speaker below the TV.

In the tiny closet were a few pieces of clothes and a bookcase with random and numerous books on it. Walking to my bed I tried to pry China off of me, with no such luck. If one arm got loose, the other got tighter, so I seemed to be stuck with a Chinese kid cuddling me as I spoke with a person I was surprised hadn't been accused of human trafficking yet.

I sighed at the thought (though I was cracking up in my mind) and turned to look at the delivery man who had put Yao's box on the closest bed. The man turned to me and spoke as he remembered something. "The clothes were replaced with ones Chibi!China can wear as well as extras. They are all machine washable."

I smiled in relief at this and the owner of the mentioned clothes murmured something before snuggling closer. The man smiled at this and offered me his hand. "My name is Daniel Hermes, and I'll be the one delivering you the units."

I shifted Yao to one arm and shook his hand. "Cirrus Strifen. Pleasure." I then walked the man to his truck. "I'll call if something's wrong."

Finally, the man was gone, leaving me cradling a small child and beginning my days as a caretaker.

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><p>It has now been two weeks since I've gotten Yao and it has been rather interesting. It was pretty funny on the second day when Yao woke up, saw the paper dragon, and screamed bloody murder at this supposed atrocity.<p>

Outside of that, Yao started to learn that I wasn't going to cook Chinese food everyday and (very slowly) got over it. It probably helped that he was welcome to sleep beside me in the huge bed whenever he had nightmares. "Whenever he had nightmares" soon changed to "Whenever he felt lonely" which was all the time, so pretty soon I had a tiny nation curled up next to me whenever it was bed time.

He seemed like a normal child to me: he was fussy if he didn't get his way, he was possessive of me and he loved getting gifts. I swear, his eyes were sparkling the day I gave him a necklace I got from Chinatown in San Francisco two years ago.

It had an onyx stone carved into a cylinder on it with a silver dragon wrapped around the cylinder. It was well made and Yao absolutely adored it.

Now, I knew he was possessive of me when I got a call about a week into the project that told me Sogna could come home. Sogna is a Border collie puppy I had gotten recently.

I had gone with my friends to a murder mystery-dinner thing at a medieval castle and we had an archery contest of sorts (I won). While we were there, we saw a pair of border collies playing fetch with the humans. They were pretty cool, always carrying a stick for a human to throw.

The two adult border collies also had five puppies running around, all looking black and white like their father except for one. She had dark fur as well, but it was lighter like how a black dog with dirt in its fur looks lighter. It also had a slight reddish tint to its fur.

The first time I visited the castle, I thought the dogs and puppies were awesome, and they seemed to like me too. When I had to leave (the mystery itself was so cur and dry that I was frustrated afterwards), the smallest puppy started to follow me. They got the puppy away, but I didn't forget the little one.

I visited again in the summer and played with the dogs again. I was messing around with the piano in the castle (can't say playing, 'cause that would be a lie) when the manager approached me.

He told me they were trying to get rid of the puppies because it would be difficult to take care of them once they got older. I agreed to take one of them and went outside to choose. The first pup to run up to me was the red-brown pup. I decided to take that one since it like me so much, and that was that.

I named it Sogna for the Italian word "Sogno", which means dream. Anyway, the vet called and said that Sogna was ready to go home, and I quickly got Yao and the two of us went to pick her up.

The entire trip there had Yao acting sullen and moody while I described Sogna to him (brown eyes, likes to run, really smart and athletic). Yao looked confused when we stopped at the vet, then looked downright shocked when he met Sogna.

Apparently, he had thought Sogna was human, and was annoyed that he would, in his words, "have to share me".

Right. It had been kinda creepy at the time. The two get along okay, but sometimes Yao would scowl at Sogna if she's resting on my lap.

So, after two weeks of caring for Yao, I heard a knock on my door. I looked up from the book I was reading (Red Rider's Hood) and glanced at the clock. 10:00 AM. I usually don't get visitors, especially this early.

I stood up from the couch and turned to answer the door. As I opened it, my eyebrows raised. It was Daniel again, but he didn't look happy at all.

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><p>So...yeah. I found a nice seat on the bandwagon. It's comfy.<p>

Please review.

Ja ne!


	2. What the Hell?

Don't own Hetalia.

What the Hell?

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><p>Last time in I'm Not A Girl!:<p>

I stood up from the couch and turned to answer the door. As I opened it, my eyebrows raised. It was Daniel again, but he didn't look happy at all.

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><p><em><span>"Problem<span>: You opened the box and found, instead of your normal lovable giant, an ALFRED F. JONES who looks about sixteen years old are so. He doesn't respond to you and glares off into the corner, drumming on the table with his fingernails and storming around the house. He also refuses to do anything you ask, and basically acts like an angry, angsty teenager._

_Solution: Oops! We've gone and sent you a War for Independence!ALFRED F. JONES. In this mode, he'll absolutely refuse to see ARTHUR KIRKLAND and MATTHEW WILLIAMS but will like the presence of FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT. If you don't want him shouting at you for trying to order him around, just call Customer Services and send him right back!"_

- ALFRED F. JONES: User Guide and Manual by LolliDictator.

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><p>I looked at Daniel for a moment, before turning and yelling into the house. "Yao! Another unit arrived, come on out!" I heard a small thump, and Yao came out with Sogna in his arms. Daniel smiled at seeing Yao, but still looked serious as he gave me the manual book.<p>

I looked at the title but it didn't seem like a bad unit. ALFRED F. JONES: User Guide and Manual. Again, what seems so bad about America? I opened it and flipped to the trouble-shooting section and started to – Holy. Crap.

I'm going to have to take care of an EMO? I looked at the book in horror and felt Daniel pat my shoulder consolingly. I looked at the delivery man in desperation. "Please tell me Tony's not in there as well. I'm not going to deal with that insulting bastard _and_ a wrist-cutting asshole."

The man chuckled at my complaints. "Tony and Texas are not included in the accessories, since they do not exist for Revolutionary America."

I stared a little blankly at him for a second. "Will he freak out since we're _living_ in Texas?" I only got a shrug in response. Letting out a sigh and kind of wishing I could drink, I motioned to the box and Daniel went forward to pry open the box. When the box had been weakened enough, I heard the sound of flesh meeting wood and the box splintered apart.

A boy, about 15 or 16, stepped out, and he might've been cute if it weren't for the pretty ugly scowl on his face. I honestly don't get what girls see in punks like him. They think they're all that, it's rather disgusting to see such disrespect.

Despite my grudge for people like him, when America saw my face, his eyes widened and he snarled at Daniel. The teenager put himself between me and the delivery man, all the while doing a very good impression of a German shepherd trained to be an attack dog. "What are you doing here?" America growled.

When Daniel tried to get closer, Alfred backed up, making me back up with him. "I was just taking you to see your new User, Alfred. Nothing more." Daniel tried to soothe him, but Alfred seemed to only get angrier.

Before he could say anything else, however, I shouldered him aside and went to the open doorway. "You want to see your room or not?" I said, loud enough to be heard, before walking into the house. Once I entered, I took a left and pulled open the fridge door. I pulled a soda out of the fridge and closed the door, opening the soda with a click-hiss.

I watched China walk to the couch and fall asleep there, and then turned to see America come inside (and close the door in Daniel's face, but whatever). The colony looked over at me, and I threw him another soda before walking to my room. I heard the familiar click-hiss and the sound of steps following me.

When we reached my room, I stepped aside and let Alfred walk in. He was holding his soda with one hand and was carrying his entire accessory box with the other hand. The teen looked at the room dully and put the box on the unclaimed bed. He then turned around and stared at me for a while.

I ignored it in favor of drinking my soda and trying to figure out what to do with a punk in my house. And not just a punk, a teenager at that. I _hate_ teenagers (makes it kind of hard to look in a mirror, doesn't it?), I never know how to act around them.

Whatever.

I finally looked up again and glared at the (still) staring colony. "What?"

America shot me a curious look and ignored my snappishness. "Why are your parents okay with you being by yourself?"

"What do you mean?" Why wouldn't they be okay? I'm responsible.

"Well, you're a pretty girl out in a small town; wouldn't they be worried?" He then shot me this charming/badass smirk and I'm starting to wonder about his sexuality. I mean, why else would he hit on someone who is clearly a waitaminute.

I turned slowly to look at him and Alfred started to look nervous. I spoke slowly, trying to calm down and make sure he understood exactly what I was saying. "I. Am. A. Guy."

America's eyes widened, before they narrowed in stubborn denial. Crap. "I don't believe you. You have long hair for pity's sake."

I put my hand in my hair and bared my teeth defensively. "It's based off an anime character."

"Was that character female?"

"NO." America still looked skeptical, but I growled and left the room; I wasn't going to stand there and let my gender be questioned in front of me! I sat on the couch beside China and stared at the blank TV screen. Sogna hopped up beside me and I pet her distractedly and reached over to finish my book. It's a middle school book, and I've read it about five times, but I'm rather fond of it.

After about twenty minutes of this, I heard the sounds of digital yelling and police sirens. Sounds like Al found the playstation and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City game. I finished the book in an hour and nudged Yao awake so we could play outside with Sogna.

I yelled, "We're going outside!" and led Yao and Sogna to the back. It's a pretty big backyard, with a harbor over part of the lake in the farthest back, a fir pit a little closer and some trees scattered around. Grabbing a Frisbee from the grass, I tossed it to Yao and backed up a little more.

We sent the Frisbee back and forth for a while, running to catch it before Sogna could try and snag it. After half an hour of that, I was sitting on the steps to the back patio, staring at the lake while Yao and Sogna lied panting on the shady concrete behind me.

Hearing leaves to my right crackle, I swung my head over there and saw a familiar brown tabby cat. "Ah, Brooder." Brooder is one of the four wild cats that live around here. They all kinda like me. Being the language nut I am, I named Brooder the word phonetically similar to bruder, or brother in German.

Anyway, after I greeted Brooder, a throat cleared behind me. I turned around and saw Alfred staring at me and was he blushing? What the hell? I'm a straight kid, happy with my lot in life, and this oblivious idiot appears and thinks I'm a chick? Was I surrounded by idiots or was there an invisible sign on me for Fate that said, "Kick me I'm patient!"? Whatever, I'll figure out what to do. I glared at the stupid teenager.

"I'm still a male."

"I still don't believe you."

I glared at his cocky smirk, and noticed something odd. In the anime, America's eyes are a clear sky blue, but his colony self had blue-grey eyes; it was probably because he was only limited to being the thirteen colonies, and that area had a lot of snow and rain.

Che, it just makes him more emo. I ignored him and instead picked up Yao and walked in for lunch. As I passed him, a hand appeared and grabbed my shoulder. I turned and glared at America, who smirked back before letting go again.

As I walked into my house, I couldn't help but mourn my sure to pass away sanity.

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><p>So yep. I've brought America into this. And he thinks poor Cirrus is a girl. You've just been introduced to a running gag that will appear in the fic. Congratulations.<p>

Please review.

Ja ne!


	3. Things Got Better, Then They Got Worse

Don't own Hetalia.

Things Got Better, Then They Got Worse

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><p>Last time in I'm Not A Girl!:<p>

As I walked into my house, I couldn't help but mourn my sure to pass away sanity.

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><p>Days with America: Pure, unmitigated, hell on earth. When he's not yelling at me to "Not tell him what to do", then he's hitting on me, and if he's not hitting on me, he's doing something <em>else<em> that makes me want to rip out his testicles, put in a uterus, then rip _that_ out and strangle him with it.

Take, for example, the third day of his arrival where he found my small bookcase in my closet. When he found it, the little bastard also found my Harry Potter books. Being the little Brit-hater he currently is, Al decided to try and graffiti my books. When I saw him hovering over one of my books with a sharpie, I saw freaking _red_.

Next thing I know, I had pinned America to the floor, the book safely cradled by one arm. Alfred started to smirk at me, but I held the book up and whacked him with it.

"Ow! What the hell!"

"What's your problem, you douche? How dare you try to defile my book! If you ever so much as _attempt_ to corrupt one of my books again, I'll castrate you with a popsicle stick!" Alfred was now looking at me in terrified horror but I was passed the point of no return.

In my eyes, writing or annotating in books is like corrupting someone: the book was never the same after that, they were never read again, and it left the book defiled. As you can tell, I am highly against literary defilement. It should be a sin.

Grunting to shake off my thoughts, I got up and returned the Harry Potter book to its brothers. When I looked back up, America was gone.

Anyways, China hates him. Apparently America takes away too much of my attention. I think Yao once tried to poison him, but having just left Iggy, America still had a steel-plated stomach. Sogna's okay, but she's only loyal to me, so she occasionally growls at him.

Things started looking up one day, or rather, night, though. Yao and I were sleeping and Sogna was by my feet when suddenly, the door opened. America was shaking in the doorway, looking no better than a kitten in the rain. Startled awake, I looked at him as he made some whimpering noises and stared at me pleadingly.

Sleepy and not in my right mind, I made a sloppy gesture to come over. Suddenly I had a teenager-shaped bottle of emoness cuddling into my side as if he wanted, in Russia's words, to "become one with me." Too tired to care, I pulled Yao closer and nodded back off.

The next morning, I felt heat all around me. I opened my eyes to see Sogna by my head and Yao resting under my chin. Convinced that was it, I closed my eyes again…only to snap them open when the heat source behind me mumbled and pulled me closer.

Yao made a noise and moved closer, but I was completely awake now and slowly freaking out. Who the hell was behind me? I tensed and turned around without startling anything, and caught sight of America. He looked a lot more relaxed than I have ever seen him, and it was reassuring to see him so at ease.

But that doesn't mean I want him doing this and still treating me like I'm England in the morning.

I tried to get away from him, but even as a colony America still had that demonic strength of his. After a little while of trying to escape as covertly as possible, I was still stuck with America all but glued to my side.

Getting agitated, I finally started to shake Yao. "Yao! Alfred's trying to kidnap me!"

That woke him up pretty fast.

"Stay away from gege!" Doing a pretty good imitation of a dragon, the tiny unit escaped my grasp and attacked Alfred. The teenager broke away with a startled, "wuh?" and the two hit the rather far away floor. This only made America even more breathless and it wasn't much of a stretch to say that the puck was currently losing in a fight between him and a small Chinese child.

I laughed and got up from the bed, stretching out. "Thank you, Yao. You saved me; you can get off of him."

Alfred turned to glare at me, but the glare was accompanied by an amused smirk. "You know, you're pretty flat-chested for a girl."

I glared at him and gripped the bottom of my dark blue sleep shirt. "I'm flat-chested for a girl because I'm a _guy_. Here, I'll prove it to you." I started to lift my shirt, but the emo began to freak out and was blushing like crazy.

He turned away and stuttered out a, "d-don't do that! Cover up! Be a little more decent, would'ya?"

I scowled at the idiot but still dropped my hands. I'm not even sure if I should even bother trying to convince him any more. I mean sure he'll freak out when he figures it out, but I don't think I'm doing any good. Still…

"I'm not a girl!"

"Lies!"

And that's when the relationship between me and America got better. I checked later that day to see what had upset Alfred so badly. The culprit: a marathon of ghost stories with scenes from The Grudge playing here and there. I'm not surprised at all.

So, now I have _another_ person who sleeps in the same bed as me when he's scared. Great. I feel like a pimp or something and it's honestly disturbing me.

The one bad thing that comes from this is that China seems to honestly despise America now. He glares at Alfred in his free time and is near me at all other times. It's endearing, in a childish/bratty way.

America still gets emo and detached at times, but he seems to recover when I hum or sing patriotic songs. As an American, I knew a few songs, so it wasn't too terrible. I honestly love America, but like any other Hetalia fan I enter a neutral zone when discussing my nation in the Hetalia world.

In other words, I love America, but I find Alfred annoying.

Anyways, things got a little rocky a week later. We were watching The Incredibles, and Yao was curled up in my lap while Alfred was sitting beside me with his arm over the back of the couch behind me (I would have slapped him and moved away…but I don't think it would've helped the whole, "I am not a girl" thing).

Alfred was cheering at the action and Yao and I were watching with earplugs on when Sogna started barking at the door. I looked over to see one of my neighbors looking worriedly into the house. I got up and carried Yao with me to the door. When I answered the door, the man smiled for a moment before returning to being serious.

"Cirrus, I'm sorry to bother you, but something's going on across the street. There's a lot of yelling, and I thought I heard a child screaming. I would have gone myself, but you know how old I'm getting; I don't think I would have been of much help."

"It's fine, Mr. Boston." I smiled and shook my head. "Don't worry, I'll go look right now." I quickly put Yao down and went to change. I put on a red shirt with a sword with ink running down the blade on it, and black cargo shorts. As I was tying on my black shoes, Alfred and Yao (and Sogna) got ready as well and went with me.

As we got closer, I finally heard what Mr. Boston was talking about: I heard the sound of a child sobbing and babbling something that sounded like, "Desole! Desole! Si'l vous plait, arête!"

Now, I don't know much of another language outside of English and some Spanish, but I do pick up on other languages and hearing a child say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please something" is not going to endear me to the other person. Preparing myself, I put my foot on the door and pushed it. It slammed open and I took a moment to be pleased; years of soccer have their use somewhere.

The place went silent, before a little voice called out, "Si'l vous plait aidez-moi!" I only heard please something me, so I yelled for Al to hold on to Yao and ran into the house with Sogna on my heels. When I entered the living room, it looked like a disaster zone. Tables and chairs were overturned, paintings were falling off the walls and glass was scattered everywhere.

In the center of all of this chaos was a small blonde boy, who looked a little older than Yao (physically speaking) and was curled up crying in the fluff of his stuffed animal.

Glaring at him was the owner of this house, beer bottle in hand. The man's been a wreck ever since his wife left him and took their son; he's always drinking, recovering from a hangover, or throwing beer bottles at anything that moved.

Currently he was waving the beer bottle at the boy, shouting something about homosexuality, sin and hell. Adrenaline pumping through me, I ran forward and kicked the man right in his deteriorated liver, and he was out.

Again, soccer has its saving grace: toned leg muscles that can kick like hell. Now that the man was out, I turned to look at the boy, who was now staring at me with wide blue eyes. "Es tu mon ange?" he asked, looking both happy and nervous.

I actually understood these words, and knew the answer, so I smiled and opened my arms. "Non, juste un homme. Now come here, please." The boy flinched a little at my English (he's probably scarred from that drunk bastard) but still approached me. When he got close enough, he suddenly threw his arms around me and started sobbing and saying some words in French.

If you ever have had a child you barely knew hug you while crying and speaking in a language you only partially understand, you know what I mean when I say it's kind of awkward.

I tried to make him more comfortable, and then I heard Sogna bark at something. Standing up slowly, the blonde boy moving to keep his arms around my waist, I walked over to Sogna and picked up the book she was pawing. As I read the cover, I felt dread rise up in me.

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: User Guide and Manual.

Well that explained why he looked familiar and the man yelling about homosexuality and hell. But he still looked too young. Following a hunch, I flipped to the trouble-shooting page.

Ah, there it is! Gaul, huh? I looked at the still scared nation and was admittedly confused. Why did this man have a unit with him? What's going on?

"Parle vous Ingles?" Gaul hesitated at my words before nodding with a low "yes".

"That's good, I only know so much French." Gaul accepted my words, though he did still flinch a little. Getting ready to leave, I looked for that stuffed animal only to see a very _real_ hawk perched on an upturned chair. He must be Pierre.

I cautiously raised my arm so that it was parallel to the floor. Pierre flew from the chair leg and landed on the arm. I pet it on the head and led Gaul to the door. I'm not letting this man get his hands on Gaul with me around.

Wrapping his arms around my arm, Gaul followed me as I walked to the front again. Once I got outside, Pierre flew off and Yao tackled me in a hug around my waist.

"You took too long!" Alfred also looked a little stressed, but had relaxed once he saw me.

He eyed Francis wearily before looking at me again. "Who is this?"

"This is younger France, called Gaul. Francis, this is young China and younger America." I tried to break any tension by introducing them, but it didn't seem to help.

Gaul's grip had tightened when he saw the others, and when America and China turned to look at him, he buried his face into my side. "Desole, mon ange," he mumbled, "they make me nervous."

"Es bon," I sighed, "we can only expect so much after how that guy treated you." I crouched down to let China get onto my back, and started heading back to the house.

"Come on guys; I need to make a call."

* * *

><p>"Hello, this is Mint Bunny Incorporated. How may I help you?"<p>

"Hi, I need to speak with Daniel Hermes."

"Okay, wait one second while we put you through." Things went silent on the other side and I was beginning to hum my own waiting music when it reconnected.

"This is Daniel."

"Hey Daniel, this is Cirrus. I went over to my neighbor's house today because there was a disturbance. When I got there I found a hysterical Gaul unit being yelled at by my drunken neighbor. I knocked him out, but I don't know why my neighbor had him or what to do with him." The sleeping body on me made a noise and started to dig between me and the back of the couch for warmth.

I perked up as Daniel sighed. "We really need to do customer checks or something; it seems your neighbor accidentally ordered a unit and the higher ups weren't too concerned about it."

I frowned at this and almost growled into the speaker. "Well because of this apathy I have a small nation locking himself in my bed room while another teenage nation is slowly recovering from teenage depression in another room and I'm cradling _another_ nation who hates losing my attention. I feel like I'm a babysitter who just found and took in the neighbor's abused son."

"It looks like that from the cameras, too."

I scowled at the camera I could see at this. "So what should I do?"

"We had been planning to send you a Cracked!Canada, but with War for Independence America still bitter about England and Canada, this is probably for the best. Can you care for Gaul instead? We'll send the proper compensation for tending to three nations."

"Yeah, that's fine," I sighed. "But I do have a question: my Gaul unit knows English but the manual says he should only know French. Is there a glitch or something?"

The shuffling papers on the other side quieted immediately. "Hmm…you said it was possible he had been hit by your neighbor before you arrived, correct?"

"Yep."

"Then he may have received a blow to the head, which could have activated the English-speaking part of his brain."

"Ah, that makes sense."

"Yes, well, I will see you the next time a Unit needs to be delivered."

"Okay; goodbye." I shut the phone and felt Sogna crawl up to lay on my chest, Yao now firmly wedged between me and the couch. Sighing, I turned my head and buried my face into the back of the couch.

What am I going to do?

* * *

><p><em>"<span>Problem<span>: Upon opening your box, you discovered that there was a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit in a light blue tunic, who looked about eleven or twelve and more like a girl than anything else. He speaks only in French, and asks you where "Empire Romain" and "Germania" (AUGUSTUS VARGAS and WODEN BEILLSCHMIDT, respectfully) are._

_Solution: Oops! We accidentally shipped you a Gaul!FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, which is basically a younger version of your unit. During this time period, he was under Roman rule, and is therefore asking for AUGUSTUS VARGAS. If you don't want this lovable, gentle (and equally perverted) version of FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, just send him right back and we'll deliver the proper unit within five work days."_

- FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: User Guide and Manual by LolliDictator.

* * *

><p>I'm sorry it took so long for me to update. I'm writing pretty consistently, but I get lazy when it comes to typing it up.<p>

Please review.

Ja ne!


	4. History and Guns

Don't own Hetalia.

History and Guns

* * *

><p>Last time in I'm Not A Girl!:<p>

"Okay; goodbye." I shut the phone and felt Sogna crawl up to lay on my chest, Yao now firmly wedged between me and the couch. Sighing, I turned my head and buried my face into the back of the couch.

What am I going to do?

* * *

><p>The addition of Francis to our family: Ironic. Since he saw me as his "ange", he wanted me to be as pure and good as possible. So he attacked anyone who made a move on me. Alfred, cashiers, pedestrians, the mailwoman (that was a little awkward; I don't like the deliverer of my mail attempting to flirt with me. They could become a stalker); he attacked them all.<p>

Especially Alfred.

And Alfred, in response, annoyed him by trying to be as near me as possible (much to Yao's disdain). They acted a little like England and modern France, it was really odd.

And China…China almost poisoned France, but America ate the food that was poisoned, and his steel-plated stomach insured his survival. Sogna liked Gaul and Gaul adored the little collie. I see Pierre occasionally, and the hawk seemed to like me well enough. Since he was a pet unit, he could understand me and was nice enough to agree to not eat the wild cats nearby.

Gaul didn't really like my food, but he was more complacent once I told him that the idea of him cooking while he was so small worried me. Males were funny that way; act concerned enough and they obey you quickly (I seem to not be included in this, and America's suspicions were making _me_ paranoid about my lack of masculinity). Well, for males they obeyed quickly.

Things got kind of funny though when my cell phone rang one day. It was two-ish and I was watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Gaul and China (America tried to sit with me, but Sogna and Yao growled at him), when "Rumor in St. Petersburg" began to play in the room.

Grinning, I picked up the phone and flipped it open (yes, it's a flip phone. Go to hell). My first words into the phone?

"Privet, comrade Kalashnikov. How have you been doing?" Yep. I even added a Russian accent, too. Though I didn't see it, my two companions lost all of the color in their faces when they heard me speak like that.

Too lazy to actually hold the phone to my ear, I hit the speaker button. "I'm not a communist, Cirrus." The response was commonplace, and I gave a theatrical sigh and rolled my eyes.

"Right, and I'm not a fascist."

There was a pause. "…you aren't."

"That's what I want people to think, lapochka." I replied brightly. "So why did you call?"

The one on the other side of the phone paused again. "…Anh's still visiting her family in Vietnam."

"Of course she is. That's all I'm good for these days after all: comforting my Russian friend as he worries about his Vietnamese girlfriend. You know as well as I do that Anh will be fine. She was born and raised in Vietnam; it's not like that's a completely different world to her."

"You're right; I guess I should know better. Than– ."

"No! Say it in Russian!" I heard a sigh from the other side and couldn't hide my grin; annoying my friend was always fun.

"…Spasibo."

"No problem. Call if you need anything else." I ended the call then and looked at my companions…who currently looked like death warmed over. I blinked and nudged them. "Are you guys okay?"

"W-who was that?" Yao asked, looking scared and clinging to me. I shrugged and couldn't understand their fear. It's not like Alexander could do much (though he was a golf player, and him with a club while angry at me is never a good combination).

"That's my friend Alexander. He's one-fourth Russian, so I like to bug him about it." They relaxed a little, but still looked rather freaked out.

"What did you mean by the fascist comment?" I grinned and stretched out, my black hair swaying in front of my eyes for a second.

"I'm one-fourth Italian, so the joke is that we're all from dark nations, except one of us. Overall in my little group, we have a fascist, communist, socialist, and imperialist among us." I added this to be specific while Gaul and Yao gave me odd looks.

* * *

><p>With so many nations around, my head was beginning to hurt. They're okay, I suppose, but the point of Hetalia is for people to learn history while personified nations act insane. And since I am learning about history, I also have to deal with the insanity. Whenever I play the Native American flute I bought at a museum, America is lying nearby, eyes heavy and mind contently resting in his pre-colonial days. When I stop he tells me about those days before lounging out on my lap in pre-British bliss.<p>

While in my lap, he told me that, since I played the flute, I must be a girl. I tried to strangle him. Gaul stopped me, though he looked reluctant to. Yao just watched.

I would listen to Yao as he told me various Chinese legends and expanded on his earlier foreign relations, but then Al would appear and the mini dragon would pounce on the stupid nation. Gaul talked openly enough about some things, but he seemed reluctant about the Napoleonic era.

Despite his protectiveness, Gaul was admittedly skittish when it comes to English speakers or non-units in general. Gaul slept in my normal room with America (since I kicked the idiot out of my current room), but he sometimes gets nightmares of that day, except I don't appear to save him. When he jolts awake, Francis would then get up and go to sleep in my bed with Yao, Sogna and me.

I have to admit, their bodies are like tiny furnaces and I immensely enjoy that, but should I be concerned? Are they supposed to be this clingy? I had no idea; I've never tended to kids for this long. Getting tired one day, I sighed and went to the door, Sogna trailing behind me. "I'm going out for a bit!" I called, before leaving. I just needed some time to think.

Sogna was sweet and knew to be quieter at the moment. She's gotten bigger than when Yao first arrived, and had started herding the others together without them noticing. As I kept with the road, I turned to a smaller, sandier road. This path led to a different group of houses, but I just wanted a place to think. As I continued along the path, my thoughts twined and turned and refined themselves into a ribbon to a waterfall to become simply a cascade of thoughts that found me sitting on a dock, staring into the lake.

I felt weird in this situation. How can I tend to them in a way that makes them happy? How can I know they're happy? How do I make them all happy when one prefers the other unhappy? All of these thoughts crowded my mind, but a bone-chilling sound woke me back up. The sound was a gun's safety going off. "What are you doing here?"

Oh, crap. Turning around slowly, I saw a silver gun near my nose, then saw the wielder. Then proceeded to die a little from shock. There, holding a gun to my head, was a twelve year old blonde-haired green-eyed kid. As the kid continued to glare at me, I grew pale (well, pal_er_) and my breath started to become harsher.

When, he finally, _finally_, moved the gun away, my hand grasped at my throat and I gasped in oxygen. The adolescent cursed suddenly and dropped the gun. I looked to see Sogna poised and growling at the blonde. When the boy stopped glaring at Sogna, he looked at me warily. "Who are you?"

"I-I'm Cirrus Strifen." Curse you, fear of guns! Curse you! How dare you make me stutter in front of a freaking twelve year old!

The boy paused and his eyes softened a little. "Are you German?"

"On my dad's side, yeah." The kid looked more at east now and sat down near me, Sogna calmer since he wasn't threatening me anymore.

"My name is Vash." I grinned and offered him my hand, the tremors beginning to die down.

"Nice to meet you." Vash half-smiled back and shook my hand. When my hand left his, I noticed the blood on it and was confused. Was I bleeding? Then I remembered; Sogna must've bitten him. I quickly tore off a piece of my shirt (it was a ratty, do-labor-in shirt, that my parents made me keep around in case I "decided to get off my lazy ass and do work around the house") and wrapped it around the boy's hand.

"Sorry about that," I apologized, "Sogna doesn't like when I'm threatened."

Vash raised an eyebrow. "You say 'when', not 'if'."

"There's no if to it," I said with resignation. "I know I'm gonna be threatened in life; that's the way my luck's always been."

The boy frowned. "You shouldn't let yourself give in."

I chuckled at that and shook my head. "Trust me I don't give in. I fight 'til I hit rock bottom and even then I try to grow wings. I've just learned to accept that my life will never be completely safe." I then reached down and picked the gun up from the ground. Vash tensed but I simply put the safety back on and started to swing it by the trigger guard on my finger. When I stopped, the gun was resting in my hand normally, and I offered it to Vash.

He accepted the gun, looking relieved to have it back. We sat there for a little longer, looking at the lake with our own thoughts on mind. Not that much time passed, however, when my phone went off with an unknown ring tone. Frowning in confusion, I picked up the phone and answered it. "This is Cir–."

"Cirrus! This is Daniel! You need to get home!"

I grew worried. "What happened?"

"The Units at your house are freaking out, and they're starting to regress back to their old selves!"

The idea of a fussy China, emo America, and PTSD Gaul alone in my house chilled me more than Vash had. "Okay, I'm on my way back." I shut the phone and stood up. "Sorry, Vash, I gotta go." Before he could react, I made a sound with my tongue against the roof of my mouth and ran off, Sogna following at my call.

When I finally got home, I saw a small blonde curled up outside. "Francis." I breathed, before repeating his name louder. His head snapped up and he suddenly tackled me.

"Mon ange," he sobbed, "Amerique es un diable."

I tightened my arms around him and grew worried. "vous d'accord?" I asked, hating my lack of fluency.

He nodded shakily and spoke with a heavier accent. "He haz not harmed me, but China did not leave with me. He iz ztill in there." A cold shard formed in my sternum but I nodded.

"Okay. Go into the smaller house and lay down. I'll see what I can do." Right next to the lake house itself was a smaller house. It had only three rooms: a mudroom/entry way, a giant bed room, and a bathroom. None the less, it was comfortable. I guess Gaul was afraid he would have to run to avoid America. Francis nodded and went into the little house, and I let out a sigh before moving to the door.

I hesitated but went inside. The lights and TV were off, and it seemed almost eerily silent except for the harsh rock music blasting out of my old room. Taking a deep breath, I walked into the room –

And was angrily pinned against the wall. Looking up, I caught sight of gunmetal grey eyes and gulped. Crap. "Where were you?" America growled, looking as hostile as a POW interrogator. I tried not to tremble, but being in the presence of a person who you knew _picked up a car as a child_ made it really difficult for me to stay calm.

"I went for a walk to clear my thoughts. I lost track of time when I started talking to someone."

America's eyes had started regaining their blue tinge, but hearing that I spoke to someone else made them revert back to grey. "Who did you speak with?" Without noticing, America had gripped my throat with one hand and began squeezing. While he didn't seem to notice, I can tell you that I sure as hell did.

My entire world grew a little dimmer here and I choked out, "It was just a kid! His name was Vash!" Eyes narrowed in confusion, Alfred looked at me before his eyes widened. He just figured out that he was unintentionally strangling me and, hastily, he removed himself. But the damage was done, and I descended into an asthma attack.

* * *

><p><em><span>"Problem:<span> You opened the box we sent you and found that, instead of an older teenage male, there was a kid of about ten or eleven lying in the box. Upon awakening, he grumbles and fights all the time, and asks where RODERICH EDELSTEIN is._

_Solution: Oops! We sent you a Little!Switzerland unit on accident! In this form, he is much more amiable but prone to fits, and might suddenly declare war on you at a single wrong move. If you don't want such a fickle unit near your loved ones or precious belongings, feel free to call Customer Services for an exchange."_

- VASH ZWINGLI: User Guide and Manual by LolliDictator._  
><em>

* * *

><p>While me adding a random OC makes no sense, I had promised my friends at school I would do that, so...there you go. As you can tell, things are going to get a little dramatic soon, but I had to think of a way to have character development and all this other stuff, and the best way to do it was this drama.<p>

As people have probably figured out, Cirrus is a tad girly. This is the point of the fic; for a boy with feminine traits to take care of the Units while he deals with people mistaking him for a girl. I go a little more into detail about that on my profile. Sorry if there are any spelling errors, I typed most of this up yesterday.

Why Cirrus made a sound with his throat when he called Sogna: Cirrus doesn't know how to whistle. To make up for that, he trained his pets to respond to that sound he makes with his throat.

To make it clear, Cirrus is one-fourth Italian, one-eighth Irish, and one-eighth Native American on his mother's side. He doesn't know what his dad is, but they're pretty sure it's of German descent (due to their last name).

Please review.

Ja ne!


	5. Pirates and Drama Do Not Mix

Don't own Hetalia.

Pirates and Drama Do Not Mix

* * *

><p>Last time on I'm Not A Girl!:<p>

America's eyes had started regaining their blue tinge, but hearing that I spoke to someone else made them revert back to grey. "Who did you speak with?" Without noticing, America had gripped my throat with one hand and began squeezing. While he didn't seem to notice, I can tell you that I sure as hell did.

My entire world grew a little dimmer here and I choked out, "It was just a kid! His name was Vash!" Eyes narrowed in confusion, Alfred looked at me before his eyes widened. He just figured out that he was unintentionally strangling me and, hastily, he removed himself. But the damage was done, and I descended into an asthma attack.

* * *

><p>When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with work-induced asthma. This didn't surprise me at all; my family and I already knew I had asthma, the only thing that had changed was that a doctor said it, so it was official. It was later found that I was allergic to the grass used in soccer fields (isn't that a coincidence?), some type of eastern elm tree, and dust mites (also pollen, but that one's pretty freaking obvious to anyone who comes across me on a bad pollen day). Despite being in band, I also have a really weak respiratory system. You know, getting strep throat and bronchitis easily. So having an emo with super strength accidentally strangle me somewhat is never a good thing.<p>

When Alfred figured out he was killing me, he moved back, but it was too late. The stress of the situation, mixed with the sudden lack of air, had pushed my asthma to attack. As he moved back, gravity also reclaimed its hold on me and I fell to the floor, one hand holding my throat while the other supported me. My eyes were wide and sweat formed on my forehead. I couldn't breathe. My lungs were moving, but the oxygen wouldn't enter my system.

Footsteps sounded nearby, followed by a gasp. "What happened, aru?" It was Yao, but he sounded…different.

"Air," I wheezed, "'haler. 'nhaler." Footsteps raced away, before returning. Something was pressed against my lips, and I reached up and grabbed the inhaler. Medicated air filled my lungs and I opened my eyes to see color back in the world.

Making a relieved sound, I looked for Alfred. He was pressed against the far wall, watching me with dark blue-grey eyes. Eyes dark with fear. Ignoring that for now, I turned to look at Yao and was shocked.

In the one to two hours I was gone, Yao went from looking about six or eight to looking about ten. His hair was longer and styled in the braid common before the people's revolt during the years of post-Opium War oppression. His large golden eyes were slightly narrower and sharper on his older face, and as he looked at me I could tell that he had experienced more while I was away.

"Yao," I breathed, "what happened?"

China looked at me for a moment before the cool look disappeared from his eyes and he swooped down to hug me. Since I had been on my knees at the time, the hug pushed me onto the floor as Yao nuzzled my neck happily. "I grew up while America got mad, gege."

Alfred flinched at the mention of his tantrum, but didn't move from the wall as he continued to watch the two of us. After Yao let go, I stood up and pet him on the head. "Can you get Gaul? He's in the smaller house."

Yao nodded and left, leaving me with the nervous colony. "Cirrus," America started, "Cirrus, I'm sorry. I wasn't truing to attack you. I just got angry. I'm sorry." With all of this drama, the sun was beginning to set and, though it was hard to see him, I still caught sight of Alfred's eyes. They were bloodshot, probably from fatigue and sympathy reluctantly filled me.

I know he hadn't _meant_ to strangle me, but what do I do now? I rubbed that part of my throat and grimaced; it was definitely going to bruise. Alfred flinched again, but I simply sighed. "It's fine, Al. I know you didn't mean to do that, but what if you get angry again? I don't want to fear for my life every time I do something you don't like."

"I swear I won't do it again," America tried to counter, but I stopped his words with a hand gesture. "That's not enough, Al. What do you swear on? What _will_ you swear on?"

Alfred was silent for a moment, his eyes contemplative, before he bowed his head. "I swear…on my new oath…to be your hero." The promise made me swallow. What would Al do to defend me? An unnerving question, that. This is also the first I've heard him use the term "hero" before (outside the anime). What does that mean?

The tense moment was finally broken when Yao and Gaul returned. Both looked relieved to see I wasn't any more injured, although Gaul did seem more wary of Alfred than he usually was. Sogna raced in with them, having been guarding Francis the entire time. I think I should call Daniel.

* * *

><p>This can't be happening.<p>

"I'm sorry, Cirrus, but Revolutionary America threatened you. He has to either be replaced or removed altogether so that he can no longer threaten you."

"You've got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed, moving to stand outside so that I didn't startle the fitfully sleeping Alfred or Gaul. "He's a teenager with super strength; he's bound to have mood swings that cause damage."

"He's not a teenager, Cirrus. He's a Unit."

The silence between me and Daniel was deafening before I spoke into the receiver. "Look," I said lowly, "you and I both know there was another reason for choosing me besides NYLF. I know for a fact that one of psychoanalysts diagnosed me with having a looser grip on reality than others, and I know that this can be used to your advantage. Right now however this is against you, because to me Alfred is a teenager, a nation, but not a Unit. I will not let you replace him, and since you need customer consent to do so, that means you're stuck. I just want to know what's bothering him, and why they were freaking out when I was only gone for around two hours."

I heard a sigh on the other side and smirked. Looks like I won this round. "We're pretty sure that, in his stage of development, America has recently achieved independence, and is still going through waves of anti-British sentiment. Mix that with America's sincere fondness of England, and you have a very emotionally unstable teenage boy. Your absence just gave him something to take his feelings out on. America's emotional outburst also appears to be the catalyst for Gaul's regression, and China was stressed because his culture aged very suddenly, resulting in his "growth spurt"."

"Ah," I said; that all made sense, but something else was on my mind. "Why did they age at all? The real Units don't."

"The real Units are all fully developed already. We weren't sure at the time, but the researchers theorized that the trouble-shooting Units would grow eventually until they reached the correct age. This just confirms that theory."

"Fine. I'll talk to you later." I snapped the phone shut and sighed against the railing. It was relaxing to just lean there, and I closed my eyes in the passing breeze.

"What happens now?"

Though I didn't react outwardly, on the inside my heart skipped a beat and my muscles tensed at the unexpected voice. Turning, I looked to see Yao melting out of the wall, his clothes somehow still fitting despite his growth spurt. He looked at me, gold eyes intent on me, but I relaxed. After a second, China moved to be beside me, arms wrapping around my stomach.

"What happens now, gege?" I wrapped my arms around him in response and nuzzled his head, making him hum a little in contentment.

"I don't know what happens now, Yao. All we can do is continue on and live."

* * *

><p>After the assault and subsequent attack, things evened out a bit. Yao still slept in my room with me (I tried a few times to get him to sleep somewhere else. When I woke, he would always be sleeping beside me, so I eventually gave up), Gaul recovered pretty well, but America changed a bit. He became a second Gaul in a sense, shadowing me and teaming up with Francis to "keep me safe" (he also got a gun somehow, but I can't really remember that day). He also tried to cook for us, but Gaul <em>and<em> Yao attacked him, so I stayed the undisputed cook.

I met up with Vash a few more times (under Al's supervision, of course), but he made Al too suspicious for the meetings to be a regular occasion. The meetings would also have to be really short, because I was afraid that Yao and Francis could regress again. Our "normalcy" was broken (once again. I'm starting to wonder if I should make a betting pool on how long sanity can last in one sitting) when we decided to go eat seafood one day.

We went into town and chose this restaurant that I knew had good seafood. When we went in, however, things were…weird. Everyone was really tense and quiet, it was unnerving. We sat at a booth, with America beside me and Yao across from me, Gaul beside Yao, and looked at the menu.

A waiter came up, looking desperate and terrified, but still trying to muster up a smile. We ordered drinks, and when he returned I asked him about something new I saw on the menu. "So what's this "chef's special" thing, huh? I don't remember it being there before."

It seemed like I just said the worst words, because everyone in the freaking _room_ suddenly tensed. The waiter began to look flustered, and America narrowed his eyes at the unusual sight. "Ah, that is…um…well, one of our newer chefs is learning, and the chef's special is his dish."

Even Francis was getting suspicious of this behavior, so I just shrugged and gave the waiter my menu. "Alright; give me that." Everyone in the room was a mixture of relieved and worried, but I honestly stopped caring. The Units ordered, but all of them looked different levels of worried and cautious, so the waiter left rather quickly.

After we waited a bit, the waiter returned with our food. He gave my companions their food first, and hesitated before giving me mine. "The chef and café thanks you for ordering this dish," he murmured, but I just grunted and eyed the dish. It looked like shepherd's pie, which was unusual for a seafood place, but it didn't seem bad looking at all. So why was everyone freaking out?

Shrugging, I grabbed a fork and took a bite of it. Everyone seemed to hold their breath (stalkers) and look at me worriedly but I couldn't figure out why. It didn't taste that bad. I mean, my parents have (accidentally) fed me worse than this, and I still ate one of the things they gave me (let's just say taco shells eight months passed their expiration date taste _bad_ and leave it at that).

When I swallowed, I looked at all of the staring people and shrugged. "Not bad. Tell the chef kudos for making a British dish in a seafood restaurant." I continued eating and mumbling a little about not falling to conformity, and everyone around me seemed to give a sigh of relief. The waiter gave an excited, "yes sir," and practically ran to the back, but I was more focused on making sure the others liked their food.

They all gave me complacent nods, although America did so while glaring a little at my food (suspicious little emo, isn't he?). He suddenly lunged forward and took some of the shepherd's pie for himself, before cringing. "How can you eat this?" he demanded. "It tastes like something Iggy made."

I simply shrugged and continued eating, ignoring how Yao and Francis watched the food with horror after hearing the comparison. "I think you guys over exaggerate, then, because it really isn't that bad."

"I thank ye for that, lass. No one 'round 'ere appreciates my cooking, 't seems." Holy. Crap. If that's who it sounds like it is, I'm reevaluating my priorities. Turning to the aisle, I was annoyed and saddened ('cause now I had to reevaluate my priorities, and I was rather fond of those) by what I saw.

Green eyes a wicked jade and smirk sharp as a dagger, Arthur Kirkland stood before our table.

* * *

><p>It's official. Someone up there hates my guts and wants to see me suffer. That's what I was thinking as I held Alfred back from attacking Great Britain. And, judging from the pirate hat perched on his head, he wasn't so much Great Britain as he was the British Empire.<p>

Arthur laughed at America's attempt to murder him. "What are ye doing, Al? Trying to get me?" Arthur was giving him a rather fond look, which he then shot me for some reason. "It's fine, lass. Al can't really hurt me if he tried." Pirate Arthur is obviously nuts. Why wouldn't America attack him it was obvious that he hated him right –

Wait. Lass? Did he really just call me lass? "England, I'm not a girl."

Arthur looked at me rather skeptically. "Sorry love, but you're too bloody feminine to be anything but a girl."

"Don't you think," I growled, "that _I_ would know if _I_ was a girl?"

Arthur ignored me now, and glared at the rather murderous looking Gaul. "What're ye doing here, frog?"

"I was eating with mon ange," he sneered, "but sadly my food has soured in your presence, Angleterra."

Arthur sneered back, which looked more like a baring of fangs, and eyed Yao. "And you are?"

China had that cold look that resembled a dragon back and simply gazed into his tea. "Opium bastard," he spat, "go back to your precious island."

Arthur looked surprised for a second before narrowing his eyes and leaning on our table. "Hello, Yao," he purred, eyes icy. "So good to see you. How is Taiwan? Oh yeah, she hates ye now, doesn't she?" Yao snarled and together he and Francis lunged at the pirate. Alfred soon joined them, and now it looked like a three against one fight (though England was holding his own rather well).

Watching them, I grew more and more nervous as their fighting seemed to become more heated. When I finally thought they were going too far, I jumped in to stop them.

That was _not_ the best idea in the world.

I got a bloody nose, a nerve strike to the arm, and a blow on my back before someone (I think it was Alfred) pushed me out of the dog pile. And into a table. This left me bruised, bloody, holding my hip (that's where I hit the table), and trying to calm down as my asthma got aggravated in my pain and discomfort.

My hitched breathing did however catch China's attention, as he looked over at me and proceeded to freak out.

* * *

><p>Third person POV:<p>

"Gege?" The scream seemed to break the three nations still fight out of their haze and they looked over at Cirrus. The small brunette was curled up under a table and staring at them, blood running down his nose. The Italian was obviously in pain, and Yao glared warningly at them from his spot beside Cirrus. "What's wrong with gege?" China tried to sound angry, but he just sounded desperate and worried.

America ran over, and touched Cirrus' hip. The human flinched and curled up even more tightly, making a whimpering sound as if in pain. Alfred snapped his hand back quickly and felt his worry only increase as he took in the brunette's shallow breathing.

Gaul joined his side, but when England tried to come closer, Alfred stood in his way. "I don't want you near her," the colony growled.

The island nation simply rolled his eyes and gave America and slightly annoyed look. "Are ye out of your blooming mind, Al? I just want to make sure she's okay, is all." America growled again but looked a little unsure. In the background, Gaul touched Cirrus' cheek, and frowned as he touched something wet.

Pulling his hand back, Francis finally saw what it was as he took in the silvery trail that snaked down the human's cheeks. "Mon ange," he whispered, "we are done fighting. Wake up, si vous plait."

Seeing the momentary weakness, Arthur got passed Alfred and sat beside Cirrus. Reaching out a hand, England pet the brunette's locks, and sighed. "Poor lass."

* * *

><p>Return to first person POV:<p>

My breath began to return as my mind registered they had stopped fighting, and I was okay enough to scowl at England. "I'm not a girl," I mumbled, and they looked surprised to see me awake for a second before Francis and Yao threw themselves at me. I winced and chuckled a little, hugging them back. "I'm sorry I scared ya guys. I'm fine, I promise. Some sleep, and I'll be good as new."

And that was the last time I went out to eat with them for a few weeks (though England moved in, promising to pay rent and giving me a flirtatious look. I sicked America on him, but now the bastard lives here).

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><p><em>"<span>Problem<span>: After your unit didn't respond to any of the ways we provided to wake him, you opened the box and found, instead of a modern-looking man, one in a pirate suit who opened his eyes and jumped you violently as soon as you opened the box. Now he's threatening you and speaking in a pirate dialect._

_Solution: Whoops! We've sent you a Pirate!England on accident! This unit is extremely violent, nearly constantly horny, and will drink you out of house and home - as well as kill your landlord when he comes to collect the rent you can no longer pay - unless you ship him right back. He will be loving towards ALFRED F. JONES, sadistic towards ANTONIO CARRIEDO and have a terrible superiority complex to everyone else, because, see, now he's at the height of his career and not a grouchy old man. Don't tell him we said that!"_

- ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual by LolliDictator._  
><em>

* * *

><p>Woohoo, drama! The only reason things are this dramatic is because I needed some character development (I hope).<p>

You may be wondering why I'm updating so quickly. Well, it's four things:

1) I just returned from a week long cruise, and I'm in a really good mood.

2) I had this all typed up a few weeks back, and I like to post once I finish typing up a story.

3) I think something went wrong and some of the alert system didn't work last time, so...why not?

4) Yesterday, South Sudan just gained independence. As the first country to be born this decade, this can be viewed as a congratulations and belated birthday gift. Happy birthday, South Sudan!

I'm sorry if Cirrus seems overly feminine for crying like that, but he just had two asthma attacks a short amount of time from each other and is incredibly injured. He also feels a sense of uselessness in not being able to stop their fighting.

Now, things are about to get really confusing with the whole aging thing. The trouble-shooting Units weren't given the same amount of time the anime characters or normal Units were to get over their traumatic histories. Their bodies want to be in the correct time period, so their maturation rate is sped up. While they will eventually look like normal Units, they will still act like their trouble-shooting design makes them. For example, China will eventually look like a normal Yao Wang Unit, but he will act brattish and snobish more often and will be more affectionate to Cirrus. Sorry if that confuses anyone, I figured out how complex this was gonna be while I was on the cruise.

Please review.

Ja ne!


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